After my divorce I made a promise to myself that I would never let us get hurt like that again. So what did I do, put up a wall, a shield, a fence; I put armor around my heart. My heart became fenced in and I wasn't about to let anyone through the barrier. I became fearful of love, fearful to love, and had a fear to have someone to love me. I pulled away my heart and block it. Blocked? Is that the right word? So I looked up the definition of block….
*BLOCK-to make unsuitable for passage or progress by obstruction, to hinder the passage, progress, or accomplishment of by or as if by interposing an obstruction,to shut off from view, to interfere, to prevent normal functioning or action of, to restrict the exchange of.
That's exactly what I did! I shut my heart off, prevented it from normal functioning, and I wouldn't let it love. The longer this went on the more I started seeing how I was hindering not only myself, but my family and friends. Unknowingly I had shut them off. I didn't realize that they were also suffering; it wasn't just me. To avoid getting hurt and in order to keep my promise to myself I pushed them away, consequently; I became selfish.
I was the type of person that once I got to know you and trust you, you became part of my heart. I would do anything within my power to help you, be there for you, and love you. I used to think that all relationships are about giving not getting, therefore; if everyone gave, we all would be getting. But now??!!! Now, how do I go back to doing that? How can I?
I thought it over and realized that my first step is to learn to trust again. In order to change, I first had to trust, but wait...
"How can I trust when that's all I have ever known?" I started small, I took a piece of my armor off just to see what will happened. And even though it was a tiny piece, it felt so good to feel warm again. Little by little I started opening up to my close friends and family again. I didn't and wasn't going back to being me, I didn't want the old me but a brand new me! That's exactly what has happened, I made a new promise to myself…We will love again, we will trust again, we will be happy again, and if we get hurt in the process, we will over come!! This is me, a brand new me!
On November 5, 2012 I wrote this...
Why is it that we, myself included, build up blockers-walls so high that we have no idea how to break, go around, under, or even climb over them. They start to control every move, every decision you make, every thought you think, every word you speak, and every feeling you feel. Take the first step-know what your wall is, understand it, talk to it and then take it out. Little by little take it down, one brick, one stone, one rock, one pebble, one piece of wood until it’s all gone. We are so afraid of taking that first step but yet we know that in order to move forward it has to be done.
Not everything is a wall; take down your blocker not your protector.
Even though my blocker isn't completely gone, I have made room for someone to come in and help me. I have made room for the one thing that hurt me, the one thing I had feared, the one thing I said I would never let in again, love.
The one's we love seems to hurt us most, because we love them but we need love, we need to be love and love others.
"The end of fear is where we begin the moment we decided to let love in
There's nothing we can do about the things we have to do without
The only way to feel again is let love in." - Goo Goo Dolls
"Block." Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, n.d. Web. 8 Aug. 2013. <http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/block>.
Born in the city and raised in the mountains of Ky. Taking on life one day at a time!