As I stood there with tears in my eyes and hatred in my heart I screamed on the inside "I will never forgive you! He doesn't deserve my forgiveness, why would I forgive him?". Thinking to myself, after all I've been through, now people are telling me that I have to forgive him! Why should I? It's already not fair; he was the one that did wrong and he ended up with the one thing I wanted. So no, I will not forgive him, until he comes to me and asks for my forgiveness. I will not forgive him! This man took my heart and used it, he used me!
I felt that way for a long time. I was filled with so much hurtfulness that it became hate and I didn't know that this hate was holding me back. Heck, I didn't even know I had hatred in me. Sure, I went on with my life and no longer was in love with him, no longer wanted him, but I didn't know that my hate for him was blocking the love that someone else was trying to give. Little did I know that the forgiveness was not so much for him but instead for me.
I screamed, "Fine, lets deal with this, you wanna deal with this now? Then lets!". I wasn't really talking to anyone, it was just me and God. While I started shouting out how many times this man had done me wrong and how many times I had forgiven him for it, over and over again, and how this time I can't, it's different. I was stopped with memories, memories of my own follies. I was reminded of how many times I promised that I wouldn't be a drunk; yet, I was right back to drinking, the times that I did drugs and still lived. "How many times did you do wrong and were forgiven, PhiLana?", spoke to me with so much truth. I stopped right then and there and said, "But it's different this time! I have forgiven him over and over again but this time I can't! This time his sin brought a child! A child, the one thing I wanted! At this point I was in a battle -- a battle with myself and I had something to prove. I felt like I had been done wrong for no reason and that the accused wasn't even being punished. I wasn't satisfy with just forgiving him when he hasn't been shown his consequences. But still the good in me was not about to give up on us. All I keep thinking was forgive, forgive him, just forgive, it was like my brain was stuck on repeat. I just wanted this to end so I shouted, "Fine, I forgive him ok, I forgive, I forgive, I forgive!" And just like that, around the fourth or fifth time I shouted "I forgive!", I covered up my mouth and was in shock because saying that felt better than the day I woke up with my smile back on my face.
Oh my! Wait "I really do forgive him!", I started screaming. I'm so glad I wasn't in a place surrounded by unknowing people, they would have thought I was crazy. If feelings showed colors I probably would have been shooting out rainbows. Joy, Peace and happiness came pouring back into me. I forgive, that's all it took; two words…I FORGIVE.
I had to share one of my darker moments in life with you because I wanted you to know that even if you don't feel it, know it, or show it, not forgiving can tear you apart and hate can set in. I have never been the type of person to hate; I promise you that. I always would try to find some goodness out of the person and/or situation. But when it came to this, something I didn't understand, I just knew there was nothing good that could be found. Oh, but I was wrong, so wrong, and it is being proven by the way that my life is changing. The things I see that my future will hold, I'm just shouting with joy. If you don't believe me, just keep reading my blogs. I promise you that you will find out all of good things that will happen.
Who would have thought that I received joy from forgiving!
Born in the city and raised in the mountains of Ky. Taking on life one day at a time!